Confession

So... I've wanted to make this for a while, and I think this might be a good time.

So, I think I've made it clear that I lack self confidence, am socially awkward, and so on and so on.

But at times... I feel something different. Something much worse.

I wouldn't call this feeling depression, unless I am diagnosed by a professional to have depression, but I feel a type of despair at times.

This branches out into many different things.

Anxiety about the future, self doubt, a feeling of worthlessness, and a want for it to... end.

I wouldn't commit suicide, of course, but the thought is... there, in the back of my head. The comtemplation of whether it would be better if I simply disappeared. My question is if a eternity of darkness and numbness would be better than burdening my family here.

It seems at times, they just don't care about me.

Would they care if I was kidnapped... Would they care if I was raped or killed... My common sense tells me yes, because they are my family, but that dark corner of my mind still argues on that they wouldn't...

Whenever I think about these things... I can't help but cry. I don't want to leave... I don't want to be lonely in the afterlife...

I just don't understand these feelings... Why do I have them? Why do they exist? What caused them? Why can't I get rid of them?

I feel so helpless! I feel like I won't ever get rid of these feelings, that they'll always be eating at the back of my mind, festering inside of me, constantly telling me that anyone who meets me will just disappear when they've had enough of me!

I'm not asking for pity... I just wanted to get this off of my chest. If anyone can provide an answer as to what these feelings are, I'll be more than happy to listen.

Ending note; for anyone who reached the bottom of this... Thank you. I don't care if you call me an attention whore, or something else horrible, just... Thank you. I would be happy if only one person read my rambles... I just want to thank all of you for being there to listen.